J- Cabinets are Stupid

I've painted a lot of cabinets.  I've helped build a lot of cabinets.  I've even SEEN a lot of cabinets.

But I don't know what the heck these strange anti-stick, fake wood, super absorbant things in the kitchen are made from.  And anti-stick + super absorbant doesn't even make sense, but I have proof of both.

Anyway, I tried to paint them.  It looks good in places, and in others it just peeled right off.  I decided (was told) to spray paint them with a KILZ primer and try again.  I've been too scared to try painting them since, but heres a time lapse of the first wave of spray.  Its mostly about the mask.